Addiction: Main Problem and Main Solution: Top Two Takeaways From A Recent Retreat, by Re

After a recent 12 step retreat, there were two things that kept popping back up in my mind.

They are not, of course, novel, but I believe they are primary. That is appropriate since the

retreat was run by a “Primary Purpose Group” that grounds recovery in diving deep into

the Big Book, and only the Big Book—at least in their group meetings and sponsorships. (All people are free to become sustained in their personal lives and work their recovery by also using other spiritual, scientific, etc. material).

The first illumination captures the problem, and consequences, of addiction as well as I

believe it can be described. It casts light on why so many of us get stuck in relapsing or drop out of recovery, or try to manage it all the way to an eventual rock bottom splat. Here it is:

FIRST THINGS FIRST. On a piece of paper, take no more than 15 seconds to write down

the Five Most Important Things In Your Life. If you are new in recovery, do this. If you are

sponsoring someone new, have them do this. Here are some common quick responses:

Kids, Spouse, Family, Grandkids, Health, Work/Job/Career/Profession/Calling, Financial

Security, Housing, God/Faith/Church-Synagogue-Mosque-Temple-Sangha, etc, Friends,

Hobby, Freedom, Self-Respect, Reputation.

Maybe you see where this is headed. You next mark out or rip up the paper and everything

written on it that is not labeled RECOVERY.

People tend to try to fit their recovery meetings and step work into their already set schedules and priorities. I have done this. These parts of our lives are, of course, important, but there is a special reason why we just now think of them as "first things." Because in our pre-recovery past, we DID NOT treat them--even Family, God, Work--as importantly as we did our addictive behavior. And the life matters such as a doctor appointment or family event or task at work must be done, but too often Recovery itself is not seen as being more important than any of the things listed on our paper or these other things calling for our attention.

But, if Recovery Work doesn’t come before all else—even family, even our attempted relationship with the God of our understanding, even marriage counseling done without recovery work--then Every One Of The Items Listed Will Be Destroyed by the addiction. That is something so real that it might be heard, known, but still not followed. It often means giving up things we don't want to, making changes we don't want to--for example, getting into a more supportive environment with our job or relationships.

We must do this for the sake of those parts of our lives we hold dear. Without "going to any length" and trying to "avail ourselves with half-measures", we know this: we will warp our religious or spirituality aims just as certainly as we will also lose connection to

family. And our health will be decimated (even if our addiction is not primarily substance

abuse but behavior) for what the addiction does to our brain and mind will ruin our body,

and our very freedom of choices will be taken away when we end up behind bars. Maybe

people have an inkling of this or else they wouldn’t have walked into the recovery room or

therapist’s office in the first place, but it is usual for people to be blinded to how bad their

life can still get.

Addiction either gets better or it gets worse. It doesn’t have a status quo. It is hard when

others who are important in your life do not grasp this either, even after you have. There is

such a strong desire to seek recovery in order to save a marriage and family life, or a job.

Certainly these relationships and senses of purpose and activities which we draw sustenance from are indeed vital in recovery work, especially when they are healthy (which they often may not be) and they should if at all possible become a part of one’s recovery life. But they will only become or remain healthy if we become healthy. We can never lose sight of that no

matter how hard the decisions might be to keep our focus where it must be. It helps to

remember that what our culture puts first, and what we have ostensibly put first, is not

what should come first.

Now to the Main Solution that dawned on me and was demonstrated to a degree during the

Retreat: Once the primary problem and situation is recognized, the Way of Recovery is:

DAILY WORK ALL 12 STEPS.

That probably sounds impossible. It reminds me of the Apostle Paul’s admonition to Pray

Without Ceasing. Certainly, how does it square with the important recovery maxim of

“Easy Does It.” Of “Progress not Perfection.” Well, that is the key. We can work the steps

daily if we give up the notion of working them “perfectly,” of working them linearly, or

working them exhaustively, doing everything you can think of with each step before going

on to the next. That is an urge itself I have learned lately to resist. It grows out of anxiety of

not working the steps right, of trying to be the Master of the Steps. That is what my

Greater Power is for.

True, we can do two things at once: work the steps in a deep way, moving through them in

order, with exercises and workbooks and step study groups and taking our time (that is all

vital to do); and we can work them quickly, out of order as need be as events in our day

arise, and still reap recovery benefits from them. Doing both of these in tandem will insure

we are putting Recovery First.

The First Three Steps can be seen as a Three Act Play. They can be worked as soon as we

wake up in the morning. We remind ourselves of them by memorizing them and repeating

them. We pray the step prayers for them. We don’t let our fitful nights or hard dreams or

remorse and guilt and shame and self-loathing or self-pity to start our day for us. We

mentally put on our clothes of recovery before we put on our actual clothes.

We do Step One each time we think of our Powerlessness in trying to get better on our own, by ourselves, to stay abstinent. We remember the failed attempts at changing, not to be mired in them and let them spiral us down to acting out again and relapsing, but in order to talk back to the insanity and move forward in our day by getting out of bed as recovery-oriented persons having worked the first three steps and remembering all who can or now are already helping. We do  Step Two as we rededicate ourselves to a relationship

with our Greater Power whatever or whomever that might be that can relieve us of our

insanity and gives us Real Hope. Step Three is done by not letting our circumstances and fears and unhealthy emotions and relationships control our life that day, but instead thinking of the problems and issues and heartbreak we face in order to turn each of them over to the care of our loving Greater Power/God of our Understanding.

We have meditated and prayed and made the mental adjustments needed in each of the

first three steps before getting out of bed. Since we can do all of the above in a

few minutes, we can return and repeat that process as needed throughout the day.

Step 4 we are used to taking a long time and much thought and effort to become aware and

explore our many character defects and our assets and true colors, all a part of a moral

inventory of our life. But in working the Steps in a Day we can choose to dwell, over

breakfast or getting ready for the day, on just one major defect we are currently

struggling with, and think of the corollary asset for that defect and how we have in our

lives also manifested it. Step 5 we can do with a check in share by call or text with our sponsor or a spouse or partner or recovery buddy or tell it to God.

Steps 6 and 7 are another Step-Pair. We say them to ourselves while thinking of the defect we are needing to work on that day. We are ready and willing to get whole. We ask the God or Greater Power of our understanding to remove that defect. We believe it will happen. We remind ourselves that we can live that day as if it has been removed.

We aren’t out of the house yet and we are more than half way through each of the steps. We

realize how much time we squeezed in for our addiction behavior, how much time it ate out

of our lives, and yet we thought it would be too time-consuming to do Daily Steps?

Steps 8 and 9 are another pair. While we begin to go about our day in the world with others

it is a good time--in car or subway or walk etc, and while our defect and issues are still fresh

on our minds--to let the name(s) of those we have hurt with our behavior to rise to

consciousness. It should be easy for many names to come. We may be blocking on others,

and it will take more days of doing this for them to surface. Spending time and spiritual

energy empathizing with those who suffer is a Step 9 amends action in and of itself, a

natural way to move into amends-making. We can become ready to work Step Nine at any time, such as when we encounter someone unexpectedly during the day and get the opportunity to move toward apology and reconciliation if possible. Maybe we can think ahead of time of someone who can act as a third party to be the go-between. This is a great lunchtime meditation. If we have a Step 8 list from before, we can just choose a person or group each day to be the recipient of our Step 8 and possibly Step 9 action, even if it is a Step 9 living amends we do by ourselves without the other knowing.

Here we may in fact "jump ahead" to Step 12 and be on the alert, as the day progresses, for how we can simply be a servant to others, someone who doesn’t make a fuss but is there when needed for acts small but done in great love. This can happen anytime and lots of times throughout a day, especially if we are going to a recovery meeting that day. How much time does it take to send a short check in or thank you text to someone in our group, or family or friends or co-workers. Often the Step 9 amends are done with just that, and it helps us to remember that amends, like the 12 step work, is not a "one and done." It grows over time with repetition.

Step 10 is a good night-time before going to sleep practice, of reflecting back on the

day, considering the missed opportunities, the places where selfishness led our reaction. We can get things off our minds in order to get the restful sleep that recovery requires. Think of who we need to follow up with then or on the next day.

We close our day with Step 11 bedtime prayers and meditations and spiritual and recovery

reflections to prime our minds for our dream life and its role in our recovery.

None of this has taken much time in itself to do during the day. We have lived a rich full life

that day with the 12 Steps being a kind of default program that is running in our

background. Every day we do this, as imperfectly as we might, the default grows stronger

and the habits become easier.

There you have it. An overall picture of the Problem in our life. And a daily recovery-

focused “rule of life” as the spiritual traditions have framed it. On top of this daily practice

you can add in all the particular healthy outer circle activities that are your own

touchstones of growing sobriety.